Thursday, October 20, 2016

Om- Perfection

We scattered my dad's ashes into the San Marcos river last weekend. We hope to scatter them in various rivers that my dad loved.
My mom read a passage from Siddhartha. We all listened. The kids listened, too. We were totally in the moment. I loved this passage so much. It was perfect. I'm including it here because I never want to forget it.

The river flowed on towards its goal. Siddhartha saw the river hasten, made up of himself and his relatives and all the people he had ever seen. All the waves and water hasted, suffering, towards goals, many goals, to the waterfall, to the sea, to the current, to the ocean and all goals were reached and each one was succeeded by another. The water changed to vapor and rose, became rain and came down again, became spring, took and river, changed anew, flowed anew. But the yearning voice had altered. It still echoed sorrowfully, searchingly, but other voices accompanied it, voices of pleasure and sorrow, good and evil voices, laughing and lamenting voices, hundreds of voices, thousands of voices.
Siddhartha listened. Hew as now listening intently, completely absorbed, quite empty, taking in everything. Hh felt that he had now completely learned the art of listening. He ad often heard all this before, all these numbers voices in the river, but today the sounded different. He could no longer distinguish the different voices--the merry voice from the weeping voice, the childish voice from the manly voice. They all belonged to each other: the lament of those who yearn, the laughter of the wise, the cry of indignation and groan of the dying. They were all interwoven and interlocked, entwined in a thousand ways. And all the voices, all the goals, all the yearnings all the sorrows, all the pleasures, all the good and evil, all of them together was the world. All of them together was the stream of events, the music of life. When Siddhartha listened attentively to this river, to this song of a thousand voices; when the did not listen to the sorrow or laughter, when he did not bind his should to any one particular voice and absorb it in his Self, but heard them all, the whole, the unity; then the great song of a thousand voices consisted of one word: Om--perfection.
From that hour Siddhartha ceased to fight against his destiny. There sone in his face the serenity of knowledge, of one who is no longer confronted with conflict of desires, who has found salvation, who is in harmony with the stream of events, with the stream of life, full of sympathy and compassion, surrendering himself to the stream, belonging to the unity of all things.
I have waited for this hour, my friend. Now that it has arrived, let me go.
(At this point, mom threw his ashes into the water.)

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Manie and Sean's Wedding Weekend

My cousin Manie got married this last weekend and it was an AMAZING wedding. All the Davis family came in for the big day and we had such fun being with cousins and baby cousins and friends. We had huge pool parties and grilled burgers and ran up and down the hill to the river bottom and back.
Manie had everything planned to perfection. Uncle Larry had transformed the river bottom. It was so special to have the wedding down on our river bottom. Uncle Larry and Aunt Joyce had married down there 35 years ago. I actually remember the wedding!
Even though the floods have taken many of our trees, it still looked beautiful. Manie made dream catchers that hung above and used old doors to mark the entrance of the ceremony aisle. She and Sean made all the food and it was incredible. They had a choreographed first dance and amazing cake and a store's bonfire.
We all danced and laughed and toasted her. They are an incredible couple and perfect for each other. I did a reading from my dad's song, "Soul in Time", so he was there too.
It was a tremendous time of joy for our Davis Family and it was so nice to join in celebration with them.


It was good. It was hard. This was my first trip home since my dad died. We moved two weeks after he passed away. It was easier here. I didn't have constant reminders. It was easy not to think of him when the hurting got to be too much.
Going home was full of reminders. I didn't realize i was worried bout it until the night before we left when it hit me like a ton of bricks.
As soon as we arrived we went to the powwow which my dad created and loved and then we did an honor dance for him and then I made a speech about him. And then we went back to his home and it was so good and so hard and all the feels.
I'm not sure if I had a stomach virus all week or if my anxiety lodged in my stomach and twisted it up in knots for the duration of the trip.
I was happy during the week. I hate to say a word of negativity as there was so much that was good. It's not that it was bad, but more that I was not quite right and I am trying to identify or explore why that was. I was seeing friends and being with my family. I got to hold my Grandma's hand and see her almost every day. I got to spend two weekends with my sister and have lunch with her. I got to see friends and relax see extended family and lounge around at Casa Pacifica which is truly the house of peace. It was ALL good. It was a wonderful vacation.
But also I felt slightly out of space and time there. Things were fuzzy. I wasn't quite myself. I couldn't find my groove. I was having a lovely time, but I wasn't completely engaged. I was plagued by ego and through ego, I was carrying a huge amount of guilt. I felt so guilty for leaving my mom. I feel so guilty. It's all on me too, and nobody else has any control over whether I feel guilty or not. It was guilt weighing on me all the time. My own guilt that I just NEED TO GET OVER. I made my choice. I'm happy in Colorado. I didn't hurt anybody. Guilt is me valuing myself too much. I'm a terrible buddhist.
But of course I'm torn. It's so odd to shop through my beloved HEB and know every corner and not just feel like I never left at all. I am intimately associated with that town and I am part of it, yet not a part of it.
I found myself humming and whistling the same tune all week. I finally googled to figure out what it was I had stuck in my head. It was Home from Beauty and the Beast. The lyrics aren't exactly how I feel and I never felt locked in anywhere in San Marcos and it certainly ISN"T "dark and cold", that's a more accurate description of Colorado, but when I read them I was stunned by how my subconscious had pulled that song out over and over again. It's like that is the song that I sing in my soul when I'm in Colorado and when I'm in Texas, too. I miss Texas when I'm Colorado. I miss Colorado when I'm in Texas. I don't know where my home is right now.
There were great moments of course. I loved working a puzzle in the kitchen, eating a sushi lunch with my mama, reading all together in the living room, sharing coffee and ideas in the early mornings. My mom is really and truly my closest friend as well as being my mom. It is amazing to be with her. She is my heart and the very best person I know. I want to be her when I grow up. I want to wrap her up in my love and I wish she could be happy always.
They say home is where then heart is. Right now my heart is with my mom in San Marcos and here in Colorado with my family. Sometimes it feels torn in two. I've got pieces of my heart spread out everywhere.

HOME- from Beauty and the Beast
Yes, I made the choice
For Papa I will stay
But I don't deserve to lose
My freedom in this way

If you think that what you've done is right
Well, then you're a fool, think again

Is this home
Is this where I should learn to be happy?
Never dreamed that a home could be
Dark and cold

I was told
Every day in my childhood
Even when we grow old
Home should be where the heart is
Never were words so true
My hearts far, far away, home is too

Is this home
Is this what I must learn to believe in?
Try to find something good
In this tragic place, just in case
I should stay here forever
Held in this empty space

Oh, but that won't be easy
I know the reason why
My heart's far
Far away, home's a lie

What I'd give to return
To the life that I knew lately
And to think I once came
From that small, provincial town

Is this home
Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the home until
Who knows when, oh but then

As my life has been altered once
It can change again
Build higher walls around me
Change every lock and key
Nothing lasts nothing holds all of me

My heart's far, far away
Home and free

Monday, October 17, 2016

Weekend with Friends

After the powwow last weekend, Cheris and Rob brought the kids down to Casa Pacifica. It was so good to see them! We had seen them seven months ago when we visited them in Spain and hadn't seen them before that since the previous summer. It was a wonderful reunion. It made me feel settled inside and happy to be with Cheris again. It was good.
We swam and hung out by the pool and I got to hear Rob play the guitar. I had missed that so much! The kids were extremely happy to be together. That evening we introduced them to the Simpsons and "Treehouse of Horror" episodes which was a huge milestone and a lot of fun. They had a sleepover on the couch.
The next morning, Cheris studied and we all hung out and then had more pool party and bocce ball. Our friends Tom and Odille and their son Tommy came over and we all hung out some more. That evening we got pizza and watched the debate. It was very exciting as Trump had just been exposed in a video saying horribly sexist things that weekend and all day various Republican senators and governors had been denouncing him. I drank a wee bit too much in preparation of the debate, but it was still very interesting.
We kept the kids again overnight even though Cheris and Rob had to go home and that made our children happy. They swam some more the next day and played and drew and watched Inspector Gadget and loved each other until Cheris came to get them. It was so hard to say goodbye to our friends when they left, but we hope to see them in November when we come back to Texas.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Sacred Springs Pow-wow

We flew to Texas really early in the morning on Saturday in order to get to San Marcos in time for the Sacred Springs Powwow. My dad started this powwow years ago and every year we continue to support it and help put it on. Every year they invite us to come dance. This year was extra special. When my dad died we asked for donations to the organization that puts this powwow together. We hoped that people would make this powwow grow in Dad's memory. They had an honor dance for him and we invited family and friends to come dance with us. Many people came out and joined us. It was a blur. Tiffany and I ended up crying through the whole dance. Michael danced with mom. Then I had to make a speech. I didn't know I was going to make a speech and I don't really remember what I said, but hopefully it went okay. We didn't stay long after. It was too emotional and it was hot and mom's foot is broken and the ground is very uneven. We ran by Taco Cabana and came home and had lunch instead. But I was really touched and it was very special and I am very grateful for everyone who came out and danced with us.

Chatfield Pumpkin Festival

Our friend Kelli send us passes to the Chatfield Pumpkin Festival and the kids didn't have school on Friday. It seemed meant to be. Michael got off work an hour early and we went and picked up Sam's friend and headed for the pumpkin patch.
It had started as a cold day, but it had gotten warm by the time we made it to the festival. It was a really fun for the kids, but we were not nearly as impressed with the pumpkin festival as we were with Anderson Farm last year. Still, we did have nice time and it was wonderful to celebrate fall in Colorado in a new way.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Fall Weekend in Colorado

On Friday, we loaded up the kids, scooters, picnic blanket, wine and snacks grabbed from the pantry and drove over to a park in Highlands Ranch, where we proceeded to happy hour with our friend Suzy and Christin while Suzy's son Garrett had foot ball practice. The other kids played in the park and we sipped and snacked and caught up on the week. This is a new tradition of which I highly approve. We came home and made popcorn and Michael and Suzy and I continued sipping on the couch while the kids made pallets on the floor and we all watched Hocus Pocus. Bette Midler/Halloween Movies for the win!
Saturday we woke up early and picked up a U-Haul pickup truck. We spent the morning loading up all the junk out of the yard and garage and then took it over to the free large item drop off. Which was full. They tried to turn us away, but Michael wouldn't take no for an answer and so we ended up paying eighty dollars to leave our junk there. We were irritated, but it was still wonderful to finally have a tidy, roomy garage.

I put out the Halloween decorations and then it was time to go pick up Samuel's friend Xander and head to Boulder. We were headed for Arts in the Park's production of the "The Treasure of Toothless Jack" at Chautauqua. Chautauqua is an amazing place. I really want to go visit there again. The hike was fun and the scenery beautiful. The play was okay, but the kids really enjoyed it. I love the idea of supporting this non profit company in it's mission to bring arts into the outdoors. The playwright was visiting to see the production so we tried to cheer and laugh appropriately.
We drove home that evening and enjoyed watching all the homecoming kids standing in their finery at scenic overlooks with their proud parents taking photos.
After we dropped off Xander at home, we took the kids to yet another mexican restaurant in our search for good Mexican food. This time we tried Las Delicious and were disappointed again. Well, Michael and I were disappointed, but the kids loved it. They always love chips and rice and beans.
Sunday morning I had a "featured" part in a song at church. We drove over and I practiced and then I performed on the stage during the service. I was very nervous, but I think I did a good job. The kids went to their RE classes and Michael and I enjoyed the service and continued making new friends in our new UU community.
We rushed home and had a quick sandwich before piling up back in the car and going out to Colorado ski and golf. We had to get out there this week in order to get the kids free ski passes for Colorado resorts. They have a program that allows elementary kids to ski for free and we didn't want to pass that up! Then we ran across the street to Costco, bribing the children by promising them they could pick out Halloween Candy and pumpkins. The chase freedom card is offering 5x the points on clubs this quarter, so I'm trying to do a lot of my shopping there.
We came home and dropped off our purchases and released our children into the neighborhood to play. I walked down the street to my neighbor Shelly's house to meet with the ladies of the neighborhood for an afternoon out. We went and got pedicures (my first since May!) and then drove to Wash Park for dinner at the Wash Park Grill, which was fantastic. We sat outside in the sunshine and talked and laughed and had a wonderful time. I'm so, so lucky that we found this neighborhood. We are even decided to start a new book club called, "Books in the Hood". This makes me very happy.
All in all, it was a wonderful weekend. We are really starting to settle in here. I miss my mom and my friends so much, but I am happy here. I am enjoying the fall colors and having crisp in the air. My friends here tell me that usually there has been a dusting of snow by this time of year, but so far we have had sunny skies, daytime temps in the 70's and low 80's and nighttime temps int he 50's and 60's. This week it looks like it is finally getting cooler. We expect 30's at night this week and daytime highs in the 50's and 60's. I'm okay with that. Michael is going to run out today and pick up a firewood rack for our porch so that we can start building fires in the evening.