Social Invitations Post Children
Here is something Michael and I have been mulling over for the last few years. How do other people maintain a social life after having children? I want to ask this question because I really want to hear all of your answers. This isn't a subtle hint to our friends. It's isn't a plea for fun. I just want to know if other people feel this way and if they do how do they deal with it and if they don't how did they figure it all out?
We love being with other people and before we had children we used to be able to assume that we had something to do on Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings. We would invite people to meet us at a bar, or a show, or out for dinner and they would invite us.
After we had children, the invitations dwindled- both the ones we issued and the ones we received. Our new lifestyle (think screaming newborn that is constantly breastfed) kept us in on weekend nights, but we still ventured out during the day. Our single friends weren't necessarily always out at those times nor were they comfortable with our new baby-in-tow status. We felt that we had not yet found our social equilibrium again.
Slowly, I found a community of mamas. We would often meet during the week for playdates and occasionally on the weekend. These were true friends and we grew closer and closer. The problem was that Michael often was left out of these gatherings because he was working. He and the husbands of my women friends got along but didn't seem to connect socially with each other without our input.
Time marched on. Now we have children that are old enough to be carted around to festivals and activities all year long. We also occasionally can go out without them. But we still seem to create our own social calendar.
So here is my question. Why don't most families with small children have the desire to set up social outings? Other than birthday parties. Why is it that we usually find it necessary to invite others if we want to be social?
I don't think it's a money thing. We're not talking about invitations to private jet rides or fancy dinners. We're talking about someone else asking us to meet up at a park, or a free festival with our kids and their kids. Or when our old single friends take their dogs to the park to play frisbee or grab brunch at a Mexican food place. Or the exciting request to get a sitter and come out and act like grown-ups with other grown-ups and have a conversation that isn't interrupted a bazillion times.
I'm also making a generalization, because we have some friends who are great at issuing invitations. But they are a minority.
I also don't think it's that they hate us. We know our friends are our true friends. So what is it?
Is it that young families like to just spend the weekend together without others?
I suppose that might be true. We get so bored though. We see each other on week nights and during all of our chores and yard work. For our relaxation time we like to share fun with others. Does anyone else feel that way?
Is it that people already have a group of friends and they just don't think to venture out of it?
Is it that people don't want to commit by asking somebody to do something because life might get stressful at the last minute and they might need to back out?
That has happened to us a few times since having kids. It's part of the deal, so maybe that's what's happening.
Maybe it's that people don't like planning ahead and just want to be spontaneous, and then when they decide to do something it's last minute and they think it won't be worth asking someone since everyone else will probably be busy by then.
I especially want to know from you Fathers. How are you feeling about your social life post children? Did you hold onto your single guy friends? Did they all have kids and ya'll still do things on weekends? Are you so exhausted from work and children that all you want to do on the weekends is lie around with your family?
I don't know. I'm really asking here, so let me know in the comment section what your thoughts are. Even if you don't know me. Everybody! Let's have a discussion. Love, Amber
We love being with other people and before we had children we used to be able to assume that we had something to do on Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings. We would invite people to meet us at a bar, or a show, or out for dinner and they would invite us.
After we had children, the invitations dwindled- both the ones we issued and the ones we received. Our new lifestyle (think screaming newborn that is constantly breastfed) kept us in on weekend nights, but we still ventured out during the day. Our single friends weren't necessarily always out at those times nor were they comfortable with our new baby-in-tow status. We felt that we had not yet found our social equilibrium again.
Slowly, I found a community of mamas. We would often meet during the week for playdates and occasionally on the weekend. These were true friends and we grew closer and closer. The problem was that Michael often was left out of these gatherings because he was working. He and the husbands of my women friends got along but didn't seem to connect socially with each other without our input.
Time marched on. Now we have children that are old enough to be carted around to festivals and activities all year long. We also occasionally can go out without them. But we still seem to create our own social calendar.
So here is my question. Why don't most families with small children have the desire to set up social outings? Other than birthday parties. Why is it that we usually find it necessary to invite others if we want to be social?
I don't think it's a money thing. We're not talking about invitations to private jet rides or fancy dinners. We're talking about someone else asking us to meet up at a park, or a free festival with our kids and their kids. Or when our old single friends take their dogs to the park to play frisbee or grab brunch at a Mexican food place. Or the exciting request to get a sitter and come out and act like grown-ups with other grown-ups and have a conversation that isn't interrupted a bazillion times.
I'm also making a generalization, because we have some friends who are great at issuing invitations. But they are a minority.
I also don't think it's that they hate us. We know our friends are our true friends. So what is it?
Is it that young families like to just spend the weekend together without others?
I suppose that might be true. We get so bored though. We see each other on week nights and during all of our chores and yard work. For our relaxation time we like to share fun with others. Does anyone else feel that way?
Is it that people already have a group of friends and they just don't think to venture out of it?
Is it that people don't want to commit by asking somebody to do something because life might get stressful at the last minute and they might need to back out?
That has happened to us a few times since having kids. It's part of the deal, so maybe that's what's happening.
Maybe it's that people don't like planning ahead and just want to be spontaneous, and then when they decide to do something it's last minute and they think it won't be worth asking someone since everyone else will probably be busy by then.
I especially want to know from you Fathers. How are you feeling about your social life post children? Did you hold onto your single guy friends? Did they all have kids and ya'll still do things on weekends? Are you so exhausted from work and children that all you want to do on the weekends is lie around with your family?
I don't know. I'm really asking here, so let me know in the comment section what your thoughts are. Even if you don't know me. Everybody! Let's have a discussion. Love, Amber
Comments
We love going out, with and without the kids. But honestly, it takes so much preparation either way. One major outing a day just wipes us out. And even when we get a babysitter ($$$!!!) so we can stay out late, we're completely wrecked the next day because the kids still wake us up at 6. Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it.
But you're right; it's important. It's kind of like going to the gym; hard to motivate, but when you do it's satisfying.
So, be patient with us. I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never have as much energy as you. ;-)
One thing that has worked well for us in terms of maintaining good friendships is to get a set of tickets to performances for the year well in advance WITH friends. We have a couple we go to the 4 St. Ed's theater performances per year with (and those tix are cheap), another we go to the symphony's BATS performances with (not as cheap, but for young-ish people and they have a happy hour after each performance) and if the paramount has a few good shows each year, we'll do that, too, with a couple. And there go our weekends for the year! But at least we'll keep THOSE friendships up without too much additional effort, and get out sans kids.