Who the Hell Am I?
If you asked me the main theme of this blog and of the theme of my life over the last few years, the question above would be the answer.
I am trying to figure out who the hell I am now that I've had children.
In a nutshell, here's how my self awareness has gone down.
Teenage years: Who the hell am I going to be?
College years: Well that was wrong, maybe I'll try this identity/profession/relationship!
Post college years: This is who I am! I like me! I like my life!
Post marriage: Should I have a baby?
Immediate post baby: Can't think about that stuff, must stay awake to provide loving, safe, nourishing home for baby. Only purpose in life is baby.
Post baby period or Now: Who the hell am I?
Having children has changed me. I want to be home with them. I want to be a stay at home mom.
But I have to be more than that. I have to remember who I was before children. What were my passions, my joys? What work did I take pride in?
How can I reconcile those things with the way my life is now?
I've noticed that I don't go see theatre anymore unless it's broadway or touring company. It hurts too much to see local theater because it reminds me of what I could be doing and it makes me sad. Because I can't do theater anymore because I need all that energy and focus for my kids. I really did make a choice and I'm proud of and happy with the choice that I made, but I don't like to be reminded of it.
And that's really sad.
And I used to proud that I was an independent woman, a professional in the event world. I had business cards! I knew stuff. I had things to talk about on a future career day. I had fancy clothes to wear and places to wear them. And now I don't.
And that's okay, because I definitely prefer the job I have now.
But I'm not sure I see myself as "Just a mom". I'm not a soccer mom! I'm liberal and hip and cool and fun. In my minivan. In my small town where I was raised. If I can get a sitter. If I can stay up to watch the Daily Show. If I can keep up with music trends by reading People magazine.
It's time to reinvent myself again. To look inside and figure out where my passions lay and when it will be time to revisit them.
I know so many of my friends and I have talked this over again and again. Some of the women who are searching feel they really want to work again. To embrace their profession. Some just need some space to get away from their children to find happiness in them again. Some are fighting the gender stereotypes that have made it so much harder to get out of the SAHM role.
Tell me, are you trying to figure out who you are? Is this something that sorts itself out over the years? Share! And maybe we can all get together and drink wine and talk about it.
I am trying to figure out who the hell I am now that I've had children.
In a nutshell, here's how my self awareness has gone down.
Teenage years: Who the hell am I going to be?
College years: Well that was wrong, maybe I'll try this identity/profession/relationship!
Post college years: This is who I am! I like me! I like my life!
Post marriage: Should I have a baby?
Immediate post baby: Can't think about that stuff, must stay awake to provide loving, safe, nourishing home for baby. Only purpose in life is baby.
Post baby period or Now: Who the hell am I?
Having children has changed me. I want to be home with them. I want to be a stay at home mom.
But I have to be more than that. I have to remember who I was before children. What were my passions, my joys? What work did I take pride in?
How can I reconcile those things with the way my life is now?
I've noticed that I don't go see theatre anymore unless it's broadway or touring company. It hurts too much to see local theater because it reminds me of what I could be doing and it makes me sad. Because I can't do theater anymore because I need all that energy and focus for my kids. I really did make a choice and I'm proud of and happy with the choice that I made, but I don't like to be reminded of it.
And that's really sad.
And I used to proud that I was an independent woman, a professional in the event world. I had business cards! I knew stuff. I had things to talk about on a future career day. I had fancy clothes to wear and places to wear them. And now I don't.
And that's okay, because I definitely prefer the job I have now.
But I'm not sure I see myself as "Just a mom". I'm not a soccer mom! I'm liberal and hip and cool and fun. In my minivan. In my small town where I was raised. If I can get a sitter. If I can stay up to watch the Daily Show. If I can keep up with music trends by reading People magazine.
It's time to reinvent myself again. To look inside and figure out where my passions lay and when it will be time to revisit them.
I know so many of my friends and I have talked this over again and again. Some of the women who are searching feel they really want to work again. To embrace their profession. Some just need some space to get away from their children to find happiness in them again. Some are fighting the gender stereotypes that have made it so much harder to get out of the SAHM role.
Tell me, are you trying to figure out who you are? Is this something that sorts itself out over the years? Share! And maybe we can all get together and drink wine and talk about it.
Comments
And this is why I packed a bottle of wine and some plastic cups along with the raisins and crackers I brought to the playdate at the park yesterday :)