Bittersweet

Having children is bittersweet. For all the daily irritations, the fits and arguments, the wishing it was bed time already, the interruptions and the constant responsibility, there is regret that I didn't do better or appreciate them more. That I let small, precious moments slip by when I could be loving them more or giving or singing or cuddling or just listening. That I shouted or spanked when I should have hugged and listened or just breathed. That I didn't pay attention and missed some perfect moment.
I looked back at my blog recently and saw pictures of my boys slowing learning and growing and becoming more independent. I want to bottle it up. I want to be able to revisit those moments and smell their soft baby smell or have them ask for mah tisses (more kisses) or anything really as long as they say it in their sweet baby talk. I want always to heal their boo-boos with kisses and know the answer to all their questions. Their babyhood is fleeting and in mere moments, it seems, it is over.
This was the same train of thought that had me looking over the edge of the abyss right after I had both my babies. It was a precipice of depression and I could see then that if I followed that train of thought I would be lost, so with both babies, I just quit thinking that way. Now I can think of it all, with joy and sadness.
I do want them to be more independent. I am thrilled that they play so well with each other and alone and without me. I'm excited that I have more freedom and that I am able to do more with them and share more with them. I can't wait to see what they grow up to be.
But I can wait! I can wait as long as possible.
I don't want to rush them. I have been staying in the moment so much more over the last year, but here is where that lesson pays off the most. If I can stay in the moment, then I can appreciate who they are and truly get the most out of the amazing experience of being a mother. 'Cause it is pretty amazing isn't it?