Sunday, September 11, 2011

FAT

Like most women I have always battled the bulge. I've been down to a size 2 and up to a size 12. I changed sizes depending on what was going on in my life, but I almost always exercised and watched what I ate except while pregnant and nursing when I just ate everything I could get my hands on.
For the last four years or so I got in the habit of working out a lot and eating very few carbs. This made me thin. And I liked it a lot. I liked the way I looked in clothes. It gave me confidence. It made me feel in control of my life.
In April I started taking an evil hormone that helps my lady problems (which have gotten quite severe the last year or so), but makes me FAT. Okay, maybe not fat, but much, much bigger. Like 15 pounds bigger. This has been extremely hard for me. I still run four miles every other day and spend the other three days a week doing a mix of weight lifting, pilates and yoga. I eat low-fat vegan. But still I gain. I've had to go up two dress sizes (I started really small so it's not that dramatic perhaps to others, but it's dramatic to me.) My face has changed and my rings are tight on my fingers.
I do not like the way I look, and I don't like the way I look in clothes. I apparently have no perception of what I look like anymore. I see myself as much, much bigger and I am always surprised when I look in the mirror and realize I'm actually not really very overweight at all. Just a bit bigger than I was. Still, I look at women on the street and wonder, am I bigger?, smaller?, how do I compare? Because I really don't know. I can't see myself anymore. I wonder if people are shocked when they see me after a space of time. How drastic is my change? Is it changing their perception of me?
(I realize this is a ridiculous notion. Rationally I know this. But there's that evil little voice in the back of my head that is not rational and it's not quiet either.)
And I feel totally out of control in my life. Michael took away the scale. This helped a lot. My doctor explained that lots of women on this drug gain 30 pounds and I have actually done very well only gaining half of that.
And I know that it is worth it to carry this extra weight to not have the pain that came with my female problems. I'm still a healthy BMI, I'm not really fat. I'm just more than before and I have to find a way to wrap my head around being okay with that.
In talking with other women about this I have realized how many other people base their self worth or self perception on the their body. I have also realized how much we use our weight as a way of control, since the world is uncontrollable.
It's a scary place to be, and a bit taboo to talk about it, but I wanted to put it out there, because it's something that I'm struggling with and perhaps someone else might be struggling with it too.

2 comments:

cheris said...

I know how you feel! My messed up thyroid is putting me in the same spot. It may take years to find a medicine to balance it all out. So I have to be okay with the fact that my slimmest years could be over. I'm usually fine with just being healthy, but not always...
Anyway, I think you always look lovely. Plus, at your skinniest, I really thought you were TOO thin. So don't worry!
BTW I'm waiting for your new Vegan Cookbook. :)

euclid said...

Totally know what you mean! I'm about 30 pounds more than I was three years ago and although I'm working on at least getting to pre-baby size that was still an extra 15 over my skinniest (since motherhood at least). I battle the mental stuff often. (This is Sharon by the way...I stumbled upon your blog link in a email you sent)