I am really, really feeling the lack of estrogen these days. I'm in a bad mood a lot. I am short tempered and emotional and I walk around feeling angst pretty much all the time. It's probably best if I avoid people for the next few weeks.
Yesterday I was working and my dad asked where his sunglasses were. I told him he didn't need them because it was raining and he told me not to tell him what to do. This is a normal, everyday sort of conversation that never even makes a ripple, but yesterday he told me that and I burst into huge sobs and big tears. And then that made me have a hot flash. I was a sweaty, red faced, crying mess and my dad was totally confused and I was completely embarrassed. So embarrassed. My mom parked me under the fan in her office and gave me a hug and then went and tried to comfort my dad and explain why I was a total freak.
That was the first time I've totally lost it, but i'm afraid it's not the last. I'm not saying that I haven't had my moments already, just not as bad as that. I yelled at Davis in the parking lot the other day because he kept stepping on the back of my flip flop and making me trip. Michael said I was "that kind of mom in the parking lot". I was mortified, but I couldn't control it. I feel sort of like a three year old.
The funny thing is that my rational brain is watching and commenting on how irrational my behavior is, but I have no control to stop the fit. I am desperate for some hormone therapy, but I also know that the longer I wait (three months is the goal) the more likely the endometriosis won't come back. And that's a really good incentive, but at the same time I can't stand being like this any more. I'm miserable. Michael says he can handle it and has been wonderful and calm, but I am not sure that I can handle it. I plan to discuss it at my six weeks follow up visit with my doctor. In the meantime, I walk around feeling wretched all the time. So if you see me and I act grumpy at you, please forgive me if you can and know that I'm not happy about it either.