Sunday, July 15, 2012

Still working on getting better, think I'm almost there.

These last few weeks have been hard emotionally for me. I'm really working on getting better, but I think the new balance of my hormones is not right yet. I've been feeling depressed. Like I'm not a good parent and not a good wife and not a good daughter and not a good friend. I've been feeling anti-social for months though I've tried hard to push through it. The kids have been exceptionally challenging this week and that has been extra hard on my already low parenting self esteem. I didn't know what I had done wrong or how I could fix it. I'd put them to bed at night and then go sob on the chaise lounge.
We talked to a therapist friend about the kids and were told that the disruption of schedule between all the camps and shuffling between family has probably been causing them to act out. Sam has also been having way more accidents than a five year old should have.
I took Sam out of camp and had a special Mommy and Sam day where I spent the whole day focusing on him and just being happy and calm and loving and listening. It was wonderful for both of us and made a noticeable difference. I also took him to the doctor and it turns out he has a physical problem causing the accidents and it's something that we can help. He is already so much better and it is nice to know that my baby isn't having so many accidents because of anxiety, which is what I feared.
I wrote a reflection for church this week and that has helped a lot. It's on having "enough". I think the very sickness of self-cherishing is what was making me feel so bad. When I write a reflection for church I spend a lot of time reflecting on the bigger picture and focusing on my spirituality. It's no surprise that this is good for me and that is has helped me reframe my feelings so now I feel much better. I am also feeling much more positive and happy to live in the now.
I also finally lost the 20 pounds that I put on with the evil hormones before my hysterectomy plus 5 more and that helps my self esteem as well though I have to be careful not to use my weight loss as a source of control when my world seems out of my control. All the same, I put on some cute white pants my mom gave me a year ago and that I've never been able to wear and they fit and looked cute. I asked Michael to take some pictures of me in them since I haven't allowed many pictures of myself in the last year and I felt good about them.
I am really looking forward to our vacation next week, though for a while in my fog of unhappiness I wasn't. Now I'm jazzed. I love Taos and can't wait to spend a week there. I am grateful that we get to go there and I think it will be a wonderful trip.

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