I am sitting at my desk. I dropped off the kids at school and I have the day off work and I have ten thousand things to do at this desk and I can't get motivated. So I figured I'd journal a bit.
There are a lot of things going on in my life that are private. I just can't blog about them because they are personal and this place is too public. I'm torn because this blog is my record. I am the historian of my family and each year I print out the year's blog book and keep it as the photo album/journal/baby book for my family. We are coming up on my seven year anniversary of blogging. I sometimes want to put things up here that I just can't. I need to start journaling, maybe, but then I would never have time to keep up both and I'm afraid this blog would lose.
So there's that.
Gosh, I am so cold. We are having a major cold front and I feel it in my bones. I really miss summer. I wonder if it's because I've lost weight or because I've gone through menopause that the last two winters have been so hard for me.
I am still feeling introverted. For me, anyway. I am most comfortable right now when I am with my family only. The energy it takes to be social seems so immense right now. There are a few people out there who are exceptions that rule and it seems especially amazing right now that when I am with them, it seems to give me energy rather than drain it. These are the people I would classify as family whether we share blood or not.
My health is still not awesome. I'm starting to wonder if I just started ignoring it then maybe it would all go away. I have canker sores all down my throat and back of my mouth and under my tongue. Horrible. My back, my son's bowels, it's all just never ending. I had to pick Samuel up again sick from school yesterday because his stomach was hurting. His MRI came out fine so we are back to the drawing board. I wish there was an easy fix for him. He is so sweet. He told me yesterday, "I don't like them and I don't want to, but I probably need an enema again, don't I?". He just thinks that is the way of things.
I'm feeling under the weather this week which may be influencing my mood.
Dad still has alzheimer's. He is struggling, and we are just trying to stay in the moment and enjoy the now with him. My mom is WAY better at this than I am. I just keep wanting to control the situation by making plans and my mom has to keep reminding me to simply be in the moment. I'm trying. There is so much more to say about this, but not for a public place like this. Just know that he is still a wonderful, generous, strong, amazing man and it shines through.
I absolutely adore my boys. They are the shining lights in my life. Their ages are fun and they are so interesting to be with. They aren't easy. Parenting is a ton of work. But they are so worth it.
They are both still doing cub scouts and Davis is still doing piano and both boys have their first horseback riding lesson today. They both chose that over sports. I'm okay with that, even though it seems that a sport is expected of boys this age.
I don't know why I still can't be confident enough to not care what is expected of me and mine. I feel like I am always trying to fit in or fit the mold and it is so exhausting.
School is still challenging Davis and we are working so hard to master the year of math that the other kids covered last year and that Davis missed. I HATE to sit down and do math homework with him, but I am realizing that I just have to do it in order to help him succeed. He is so smart and capable, I don't want him to get down about this. He used to love math- he just hates to fail at anything and get frustrated when it doesn't come easily. Samuel struggled so much last year and this year is skating by and feeling brilliant. It sure would be a lot cooler if they had a successful year at the same time.
All the same they do love their school and the teachers and friends. I really like it too. Those boys are my heart.
Michael and I started the new year by reconfirming our commitment to each other. Our vacation was a special time to really connect and talk about what is important. I see such a beautiful future for us. Marriage is so much work, but I love him so much.
I am so blessed by so many things. I know this. I don't mean to whine. Every time I start to write a post that isn't positive, I remember all the people out there who have it worse than I do and I just delete the post. I might do that to this one too.
I read recently on one of those New Year blog posts that someone cut out all necessary shopping and realized they were using searching for the best deal online as a bandaid for real emotions. I wondered if all my travel research and day dreaming isn't also covering for some real life unhappiness, but then I decided I don't have the energy for navel gazing like that right now. I just want to research travel and be happy.
We do have some pretty awesome vacations planned right now. We realized on the way back from Taos, that we have already planned all of Michael's 2014 days off already. I sure could use a couple more.
This year we have planned:
January- trip to beach
Feb.- trip to New Orleans
March- caribbean cruise
April- cub scout campout in Bastrop and Austin Food and Wine Festival
May- memorial day weekend trip to beach
June-July- Pacific Northwest trip and alaska cruise
August- Sept-trip to Taos (we don't actually have enough days off for this one and so we may use Labor day weekend to pull it off)
Oct- cub scout campout
November-somewhere for Thanksgiving (beach? or Taos?)
December- caribbean cruise
Next year I want to take the kids to Mardi Gras and maybe Yellowstone, but that's 2015.
My focus this year will be on my family. I will make my mom and dad's life better- easier, as much as I possibly can. I will visit my grandparents and help them. I will try to mentor Lilliana through junior high. I will be the best mama I can be to my boys and not lose my temper. I will commit all available resources to Michael and to the success of our marriage. I will try to control things less. I will try to trust more. I will try to be kinder to myself and to others. I will try to find more confidence. I will say no to anything that makes it hard for me to accomplish those goals. I will simplify and step back. At least I will try. If not, I can rest during all those vacations. ;)