Sunday, August 17, 2014

Sometimes Life Gives us Lemons

Sometimes things aren't all roses and fireworks. Sometimes I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes my life is totally beyond my control and I just have to be okay with that. It's hard.
My dad is still living every day with Alzheimer's. He's had this disease for so long and for the longest time it progressed very slowly. And now it's not. I was really used to that "slowly progressing" thing. This new steep decline makes me want to grit my teeth and dig in my heels and hold on really tightly. But that wouldn't really help anything. I love him so much and I miss him so much and I am so f'n blessed that I am part of his every day life.
I am every day inspired by my beautiful mother who is gracious and kind and generous of spirit. I am so grateful to have her by my side as my companion through all of this. I love her more than words can say.
My job will be changing this fall as I step back in my daily role and let a professional step in and help my dad. It's really good for all of us. I'll let you know how I feel about it when I figure it out.
Do you spend a lot of time wondering what the best use of our time here on earth is? I have been lately. I teeter on the edge of wanting to give service and wanting to lie around at fancy resorts all over the world. My selfish side and my giving side seem to have equal power over me.
I'm ready for school to start. I need the kids to have professional guidance that isn't me. I love my children. I adore them. They are really awesome except when they are totally awful. I wish I had a degree in child rearing. I need one. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just doing the best I can. Sam keeps threatening to run away and I keep being tempted to tell him to take his brother with him.
Thank God my husband has stepped up emotionally this year. He is kind, patient, supportive and I am completely leaning on him. Even though he has been out of town so much, he is here for us and I'm so grateful.
I have first world problems. I am so blessed in so many ways. But I feel the need to let you know that I do not have it all together. (Was it obvious?) Often the blog focuses too much on the pretty, fun things. I'm just keeping it real.

3 comments:

Rob L. said...

I love how real you are keeping it. Our kids are also pretty awesome except when they're horrible. Then they are COMPLETELY EFFING HORRIBLE AAAARRRGH

Rob L. said...

And, of course, I'm sorry to hear how things are progressing with your dad. I wish we could do more—let us know when/how we can.

Christina said...

You know our thoughts are with you and all of your family. I can think of nothing harder.
Re: selfish vs. giving. Remember that using time "selfishly" allows one to recharge and gather energy/strength/whatever for the giving. Pace yourself as much as possible so you aren't wrung dry.
xxoo, T