Thursday, December 3, 2015

At Home

We are at home. At home. Two words that have so many meanings these days.
We came home from our cruise on Saturday night and went straight to my grandma's house to visit with my cousin Marcie and her family. We were tired and Sam and I were sick, but we were very anxious to spend some time with them before they drove back to New Mexico early the next morning.
Sunday we spent the day at my parents house. My other home. I spend so much time there. It is a beautiful home. It is always full of music and food and love. We had a quiet day puttering about and just being together.
Michael flew out again on Monday for California. He is traveling so much for work now, at least half to two thirds of the time. But he is happy with his work and I support him. Plus, miles.
I am sick with a terrible evil viral infection. Samuel is sick too, but he has pneumonia. I took him to the doctor and they did a lung x-ray and it showed left lung lobal bacterial pneumonia. He is on antibiotics now, but we have been spending our days this week curled up in the house, exhausted. I did manage to set up the christmas tree and make a chocolate-orange bread braid, which the kids devoured after we picked up Davis from school. They decorated the tree by the fire last night and we felt very cozy.
Tom and Odille saved the day when they brought us over dinner yesterday morning. Soup is exactly what we needed and I was so very grateful. We have wonderful friends.
We have wonderful friends even though I have been feeling so introverted lately. I'm always just too exhausted to deal with talking to people and having fun. It just seems like too much. All I want to do is be with my family, preferably curled up in my pajamas. I miss my friends so much. I love them and care about their lives and I miss being part of their every day lives. I feel isolated even though it is totally self imposed. I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm also struggling to find my Christmas spirit. I'll do it for the kids, but I'm just not feeling it this year. There is so much need out there and so many people all over the world just trying to survive that it makes me feel very weird spending so much money on things for people who already have so many things.
I'm such a grinch. I know I will find the Christmas spirit. It will come.
My dad is continuing his decline. We are all trying to adapt all the time to new needs. He has a new diagnosis of Lewy Body and I have been trying to learn all about it. Everything is changing so fast. I'm trying to be there for my mom, give her everything I have, encourage her to lean on me, take on everything I can. I want to do as much as possible to be her for her now. I am really struggling to deal with the guilt of knowing soon we won't be here. Soon I am leaving her alone with this burden and it breaks my heart.
Because soon we won't be here. We are moving. We close on our new house on Dec. 7th and will be moving at the beginning of June to Littleton, Colorado. The schools are great there and it will be fantastic for Michael's career. It will be a new adventure. But right now I'm having a hard time getting excited because I am so torn between leaving and staying. I wish I could pick up the ranch and move it with me.
I wish I could articulate the amount of amazing that my mama is, ya'll. I wish I could give her all the love and light in the world.
We are blessed. We are so blessed to have so much love in this family and in my community. Home is where the heart is and my heart is full with family and friends all around us. We are at home.

2 comments:

cheris said...

Sigh.
It's a lot.

Christina said...

What Cheris said! Sending you the hugest hugs imaginable. Your wistfulness is totally understandable, but it may be exacerbated by your not feeling well. I hope you and Samuel get well fast. Knowing you're curled up at home relieves me. You're an off-the-charts daughter, wife, and mama. And don't you forget it!
xxoo
Tina