Tuesday, August 30, 2016


I'm tired. Every day.
You know how I mentioned before that I never know in the moment that I'm grieving, or hurting or needing help. Well, it's still true.
I look back at my past behavior and in the moment, it seemed fine- manageable- a blip.
But in retrospective- not normal.
Crying through church. Curling up in Sam's bed at the top of the house to hide. Avoiding most types music, TV and books.
And then there's this weird physical stuff that's happening to me. I'm clenching my jaw. I'm clenching so hard I don't know how to release it now. I have lock jaw. For real. And my tongue is too big and doesn't fit in my mouth. I can't remember where you put your tongue when you are relaxed? Where does it go???
And I have these tiny bumps that feel like splinters on my finger tips. I don't have a doctor here yet so I googled and it looks like stress related eczema? It's weird. And painful.
I keep forgetting things and losing them. I left my wallet at Trader Joe's yesterday and didn't notice till this morning. I tucked a bracelet away for my mom and I can't find it. Anywhere. I can't remember exactly how things happened. I'm hoping this is stress/moving related and not early alzheimer's.
And I am so tired. I want to sleep every day. There is not enough coffee for me make it through.
Maybe I'm low on vitamins? Is this normal for having just moved? Is everybody as scatterbrained these days?
I think maybe I'm still dealing. Still a little not normal. Maybe too many big changes in one year to handle gracefully. But I'm trying.
Yes, I already called a new doctor and left a message. Sigh.


BenitaT said...

I had some similar feelings/experiences when my father passed away. Its surreal and foreign and out of body (like I was audience to my own life. you know when people say its like you are looking at yourself from a distance? I felt that way all the time.) I don't remember who sent me this article, but it helped me understand the physical part of it all: http://www.thecarecommunity.com/GriefSafePlace/DougsBlog/tabid/63/mid/385/newsid385/107/Default.aspx

I also read/perused his blog and found some things that helped. I liked that the message didn't say you get over your grief or through it, like it's a cold or the flu. But you just learn to live with it....

love to you! B

Amber said...

Thank you, Benita. That is such a good article. Exactly what I needed. And it is so good to hear from someone who knows.
Learn to live with it. I can do that.
Love to you, too!

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