Tuesday, October 18, 2016
It was good. It was hard. This was my first trip home since my dad died. We moved two weeks after he passed away. It was easier here. I didn't have constant reminders. It was easy not to think of him when the hurting got to be too much.
Going home was full of reminders. I didn't realize i was worried bout it until the night before we left when it hit me like a ton of bricks.
As soon as we arrived we went to the powwow which my dad created and loved and then we did an honor dance for him and then I made a speech about him. And then we went back to his home and it was so good and so hard and all the feels.
I'm not sure if I had a stomach virus all week or if my anxiety lodged in my stomach and twisted it up in knots for the duration of the trip.
I was happy during the week. I hate to say a word of negativity as there was so much that was good. It's not that it was bad, but more that I was not quite right and I am trying to identify or explore why that was. I was seeing friends and being with my family. I got to hold my Grandma's hand and see her almost every day. I got to spend two weekends with my sister and have lunch with her. I got to see friends and relax see extended family and lounge around at Casa Pacifica which is truly the house of peace. It was ALL good. It was a wonderful vacation.
But also I felt slightly out of space and time there. Things were fuzzy. I wasn't quite myself. I couldn't find my groove. I was having a lovely time, but I wasn't completely engaged. I was plagued by ego and through ego, I was carrying a huge amount of guilt. I felt so guilty for leaving my mom. I feel so guilty. It's all on me too, and nobody else has any control over whether I feel guilty or not. It was guilt weighing on me all the time. My own guilt that I just NEED TO GET OVER. I made my choice. I'm happy in Colorado. I didn't hurt anybody. Guilt is me valuing myself too much. I'm a terrible buddhist.
But of course I'm torn. It's so odd to shop through my beloved HEB and know every corner and not just feel like I never left at all. I am intimately associated with that town and I am part of it, yet not a part of it.
I found myself humming and whistling the same tune all week. I finally googled to figure out what it was I had stuck in my head. It was Home from Beauty and the Beast. The lyrics aren't exactly how I feel and I never felt locked in anywhere in San Marcos and it certainly ISN"T "dark and cold", that's a more accurate description of Colorado, but when I read them I was stunned by how my subconscious had pulled that song out over and over again. It's like that is the song that I sing in my soul when I'm in Colorado and when I'm in Texas, too. I miss Texas when I'm Colorado. I miss Colorado when I'm in Texas. I don't know where my home is right now.
There were great moments of course. I loved working a puzzle in the kitchen, eating a sushi lunch with my mama, reading all together in the living room, sharing coffee and ideas in the early mornings. My mom is really and truly my closest friend as well as being my mom. It is amazing to be with her. She is my heart and the very best person I know. I want to be her when I grow up. I want to wrap her up in my love and I wish she could be happy always.
They say home is where then heart is. Right now my heart is with my mom in San Marcos and here in Colorado with my family. Sometimes it feels torn in two. I've got pieces of my heart spread out everywhere.
HOME- from Beauty and the Beast
Yes, I made the choice
For Papa I will stay
But I don't deserve to lose
My freedom in this way
If you think that what you've done is right
Well, then you're a fool, think again
Is this home
Is this where I should learn to be happy?
Never dreamed that a home could be
Dark and cold
I was told
Every day in my childhood
Even when we grow old
Home should be where the heart is
Never were words so true
My hearts far, far away, home is too
Is this home
Is this what I must learn to believe in?
Try to find something good
In this tragic place, just in case
I should stay here forever
Held in this empty space
Oh, but that won't be easy
I know the reason why
My heart's far
Far away, home's a lie
What I'd give to return
To the life that I knew lately
And to think I once came
From that small, provincial town
Is this home
Am I here for a day or forever?
Shut away from the home until
Who knows when, oh but then
As my life has been altered once
It can change again
Build higher walls around me
Change every lock and key
Nothing lasts nothing holds all of me
My heart's far, far away
Home and free
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/beauty-and-the-beast/home-lyrics/#B5tIIJKecrM67ROP.99