Stir Crazy
I have something to admit. I'm a change addict. I'm just realizing this about myself. I always like to be anticipating, or going through a life change.
Since I left home at 18, I've been doing SOMETHING. One year at NYU and then I needed a change. Arizona was great, but I needed to go home in the summers and travel. Then a move to New York, followed a year later by a move across the country to L.A, then four months in Aruba. Then a planned wedding, then a crash and burn move back home. Then a decision to move to Austin to open a theatre company. Followed by show after show and vacation after vacation. I bought a house and moved. Then I met my husband and planned a wedding. Then a trip to Europe. Then a new baby. Then a new house and another move, followed by a second baby. Then a move to Arizona. Then a move home, followed by a decision to remodel and move again. Then a new house.
I need to mention that these changes are never more than six months apart. Six months is about my limit of non movement. I get stir crazy.
I'm happy. I love my life. I couldn't be happier now where I live. I adore my husband and my children. But I'm bored. I'm busy. Lord help me, I'm busy. Busy with cleaning and cooking and childcare and lessons and yard work and fun weekends with friends. How can I possibly be bored? Why isn't that enough? Why do I feel like I need something more?
What's wrong with me? I had the opportunity to do a show and I turned it down because I can't add anything to my already committed life. I don't want to get a job and put my kids in care. That would all be more work. I certainly don't want any more children and I never want to move again. This is my dream home. I love my chosen career of SAHM. I just crave change. And right now that's translating into a crave and need for travel.
Travel scratches that itch that I have. I want to get out and go! There are so many possibilities. With kids, without kids, expensive, on the cheap. I want them all. I'm like a chicken with it's head cut off about the possibilities. Limited by money constraints and Michael's work schedule, I can still come up with endless possibilities.
This last weekend we went to the beach. It was so wonderful. Fun and relaxing and delicious. It scratched my itch. And this weekend we will go to Houston to spend time with my in-laws. I'm excited like it's Christmas morning. Michael and I talked during our long drive to Port Aransas about how we can do these mini-breaks often in order to help my assuage my inner need. I'll post more about ideas for those in another post. But that discussion gave me words for this feeling that has been mounting as the days pile up with no big change on the horizon.
My mother gently suggested that I try mindfulness. Try to focus on the here and now and appreciate every moment. It's wonderful advice. I fully intend to that. As soon as I log on to funjet vacations and see what special they're having and then check for food and wine events happening in the month of October. Ahhh! I can't stop. It's like an addiction.
Now you're probably reading this (if you've made it this far), and thinking, "What a spoiled brat. She has everything. She just needs to settle down and enjoy it." And you're right. That's what I'm thinking too.
So now I have self loathing AND stir crazy just seething around inside of me.
I need to meditate, practice mindfulness and breathe.
Is anyone else out there a change junkie? What do you do about it?
Since I left home at 18, I've been doing SOMETHING. One year at NYU and then I needed a change. Arizona was great, but I needed to go home in the summers and travel. Then a move to New York, followed a year later by a move across the country to L.A, then four months in Aruba. Then a planned wedding, then a crash and burn move back home. Then a decision to move to Austin to open a theatre company. Followed by show after show and vacation after vacation. I bought a house and moved. Then I met my husband and planned a wedding. Then a trip to Europe. Then a new baby. Then a new house and another move, followed by a second baby. Then a move to Arizona. Then a move home, followed by a decision to remodel and move again. Then a new house.
I need to mention that these changes are never more than six months apart. Six months is about my limit of non movement. I get stir crazy.
I'm happy. I love my life. I couldn't be happier now where I live. I adore my husband and my children. But I'm bored. I'm busy. Lord help me, I'm busy. Busy with cleaning and cooking and childcare and lessons and yard work and fun weekends with friends. How can I possibly be bored? Why isn't that enough? Why do I feel like I need something more?
What's wrong with me? I had the opportunity to do a show and I turned it down because I can't add anything to my already committed life. I don't want to get a job and put my kids in care. That would all be more work. I certainly don't want any more children and I never want to move again. This is my dream home. I love my chosen career of SAHM. I just crave change. And right now that's translating into a crave and need for travel.
Travel scratches that itch that I have. I want to get out and go! There are so many possibilities. With kids, without kids, expensive, on the cheap. I want them all. I'm like a chicken with it's head cut off about the possibilities. Limited by money constraints and Michael's work schedule, I can still come up with endless possibilities.
This last weekend we went to the beach. It was so wonderful. Fun and relaxing and delicious. It scratched my itch. And this weekend we will go to Houston to spend time with my in-laws. I'm excited like it's Christmas morning. Michael and I talked during our long drive to Port Aransas about how we can do these mini-breaks often in order to help my assuage my inner need. I'll post more about ideas for those in another post. But that discussion gave me words for this feeling that has been mounting as the days pile up with no big change on the horizon.
My mother gently suggested that I try mindfulness. Try to focus on the here and now and appreciate every moment. It's wonderful advice. I fully intend to that. As soon as I log on to funjet vacations and see what special they're having and then check for food and wine events happening in the month of October. Ahhh! I can't stop. It's like an addiction.
Now you're probably reading this (if you've made it this far), and thinking, "What a spoiled brat. She has everything. She just needs to settle down and enjoy it." And you're right. That's what I'm thinking too.
So now I have self loathing AND stir crazy just seething around inside of me.
I need to meditate, practice mindfulness and breathe.
Is anyone else out there a change junkie? What do you do about it?
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