Tuesday, August 16, 2016

How am I doing?

I'm doing okay. Some days are good and some days are hard. I try not to dwell on the hard things.
I think of my dad some times. I can think of moments or stories with him it. I can see flashes of him in me and the kids and appreciate them. I can remember him with pride. But I can NOT contemplate that he is gone. Whenever I have those thoughts I resolutely refuse to follow my thoughts down that path. I just refuse to think about it. It's like looking over the precipice into a big dark bottomless grief pit and so I step back. I get busy. I do not engage. So that is all I will say on that.
I do know that I am very glad this summer is coming to a close. It has truly been a summer of transition. And it has been hard. Sometimes I think back to the last year and I remember thinking that I didn't want to make too big a fuss or use up too much sympathy. I felt like I should cover up and stay positive and enjoy the moment. So I did. I complained about how people who are losing someone slowly to dementia are not allowed a time and place to grieve. And that is true.
but now. Now I don't think that I can see clearly through the time when it hurts the most. I can't stop in that moment and go "Hey! This is it! This is when I really need help, when it really is time to grieve". When that moment comes I do everything I can to change the subject, even if in my own mind.
We got the autopsy results back and I kind of lost my footing for a bit. I got it back, but I lost it for a bit and I'm sorry about that.
I am sorry I wasn't able to have the support of my friends and my church here for me this summer because I moved my family away. I am sorry I left my mom and sister right after dad died because I moved my family. I'm sorry the timing sucked. It did really. The timing of the move was good in one way and terrible, horrible in another. If I had been in my right mind, maybe I would have postponed the move till the end of the summer. But I didn't. I'm sorry.
I am sorry that my husband was gone three weeks out of four in the months of June and July and I was in this town with my kids who were recently uprooted. I am so sorry that I spent so many afternoons lost and lonely. I am sorry I don't get to see my mom every day and go to family ranch happy hour. I am sorry that this year has been the year that I have lost my dad and my grandfather and I am sorry that this year is only half over. I'm done with 2016. I am sorry that I wasn't there to greet our very best friends home from Spain. I am sorry that I drink too much wine at night and that I don't answer my friends phone calls and emails promptly. I'm sorry I spend too much money or that I'm too lenient with the kids. I'm sorry for so many things.
But I am not going to acknowledge those things anymore because they don't do any good at all. Things are what they are and they are what I make of them. I am doing okay.
I am lucky. So many of my friends have already visited me this summer. Stacey and Chris, Sarah and Skip, BG and Jamaal, my mama, Martha and Clark. I am loved and I am grateful.
I really love Colorado. I love my new home and I love the neighborhood. I love my children and my dogs and my husband and my mama. My sister and I are closer than ever. I love the way the aspens shiver and shake and make noise as the wind blows through them. I love the apples off the tree in my backyard. I love evening monsoons and spectacular sunsets and parks every where I look and healthy food at the grocery stores. I love being outside at all times of day. I love sipping coffee on my porch in the morning wrapped up in a sweater against the chill.
I'm ready for fall. I'm ready for my summer to be over. I made it through and I made good memories and I had beautiful times. I built a new space and made new plans. I hiked and ran and carried boxes and stayed busy, busy, busy. It's all a fog. I don't remember the last few months clearly or in a linear order. I'm okay with that.
I'm ready for crisp fall weather and new routines. I'm ready for Survivor and Modern Family to come back on. I'm ready for the comforting routine of lessons and school pickup.
I know I need to face my losses. I know I will. But I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. I am a very lucky, very blessed woman. I am.
I joined the choir. I sang again for the first time since Davis was born. I have no breath support and I can't hit the notes I used to hit anymore. I'm not GOOD anymore and that is a hard blow. I've lost my voice. But I am going to get it back. I will sing every day. I will sing because I love it and because it is part of me and because my dad would have LOVED that I kept singing.
Cheris says this is my year to be a transition smoother. I don't know that I am smoothing, but I am riding the transition and not drowning and even finding some beauty and fun and enjoyment out of the ride.
So there you go. I'm doing okay.

1 comment:

Michael said...

You are so very loved by all who know you. Your bravery in allowing yourself to be vulnerable is one of your best qualities. I aspire to be more like that in the years to come. I love you with all my heart.

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