The job of Parenting

I've been thinking of this for some time and decided to try and write a post about it.
These are my thoughts about the job of parenting.
Sometimes I'll be having a challenging day and I'll think about how much easier it would be if the kids were in full time day care. And I also sometimes worry that I'm not enriching them and playing and teaching them enough and that they would benefit more from full time daycare. I love being home with the kids. And I don't want to send them to daycare. But why is the choice that I'm making necessarily the right one? What does the job of parenting mean? Where or with whom does the responsibility of parenting lie? When you send the children to day care, are you asking that day care to share your job of parenting? Do you do less parenting if you aren't a stay-at home parent? I don't think so, but perhaps at least, some of the responsibility of that parenting is shared. I certainly don't think that it means that you are less of a parent if your child is in full time care. My sister works full time and she is an amazing parent and has a beautiful, awe-inspiring relationship with her child. This isn't a debate on stay-at-home versus day care. This is a discussion on my conflicting thoughts and emotions surrounding the job of parenting.
Why have I made the choice to be a stay-at-home mom? It's been my life's ambition since I was a child. I wanted to be a mommy. But I'm not qualified. I haven't taken child development classes or psychology classes or education classes. If I went out and took a full time job, I could afford to send them to daycare. Would that be better for them? Would it be better for me?
My children are 19.5 months apart. I know that's part of the challenge. My days start at 6:00AM with exactly 10 minutes of me time before I start my full time parenting job. Whether Michael is in town or not it's not a big difference in the morning since he has to get ready for work. I am with them until I put them in the bath and the their beds at 6:30PM. (except for tues. and thurs. mornings when davis goes to school) It's an early bedtime compared to some kids, but Davis doesn't nap and they both seem well adjusted and happy with it. Then I go downstairs and clean and pick up and then make dinner and then do the dishes and by 8PM I fall down on the couch with no more energy to do anything but watch reality TV. Dramas on TV take too much concentration sometimes.
Being a stay-at-home mom is my job. It is my sole responsibility to feed them healthily, teach them, expose them to words and music, to play with them, give them a good self esteem, make sure they stay well, teach them manners, give them exposure to nature. I plan our day around their naps and never back down on anything because I'm tired or lazy or angry. I give them structure and a schedule and boundaries. I take them to classes and on walks and to playgroups. I love them and try to make eye contact several times a day. I work hard at giving them individual attention and to spend time on the floor with them. I try to play their games even though they are BORING a lot of the time. I wipe their bottoms and pick up pieces of spilled poop from all over the floor when they have blow out diapers. I put toys back in the bucket after it's been dumped 900 times. I wipe their tears and deal with public tantrums. I put kids in timeouts and talk about our feelings. I'm in charge of sleep training and potty training. I'm in charge of keeping them in clean clothes that fit, and shoes that are weather appropriate and safe. It's my job to keep the diaper bag stocked, the playroom full of age appropriate toys and books. I make sure the pantry and freezer is full of organic healthy food and that they are eating well rounded meals.
It's no one else's true job except mine. I'd like to say that it's Michael's responsibility, and it should be in some ways I suppose, but in reality it is mine. When I leave him with the kids, and they are playing happily by themselves, he doesn't feel it necessary to get up and get on their level and read or talk or sing to them. He takes advantage of the break to relax. Which he deserves, because he has a full time job and a co-parenting job as well. I do feel it necessary, because I know that if I spend all day on the computer or working or cleaning, then NO ONE else is going to do it. I can't put movies on all day, or just lug them around in the carseats while running errands, because then I haven't been doing my parenting job. There's an inherent difference there. Michael is a great dad. He's hands on, he's supportive, completely present with our children. He is amazing as a father. But I am still the person in charge of the parenting of our children. I am in charge of reading the parenting books and making the decisions, setting the schedules and deciding how we discipline, what they eat, what they watch and how we interact with them. Michael gives his opinion and has a say, but ultimately depends on me for the great "parenting plan". I am the big boss in this parenting thing and I take that job pretty seriously.
Of course, I can't be Parent all the time. Sometimes I have to read email, or do my volunteer work, or cook, or clean or pay bills or run errands or just relax, because I am human. And I'm not perfect. And I need a break. And during those times the kids are on their own. But there is a balance there. And sometimes I worry about that balance and how well I am walking that tight rope.
And there's the exhaustion and my bad temper. Sometimes I yell at the kids. I've even spanked them. I been short with them and angry and displayed bad behavior. I get exhausted and annoyed and though I don't want to, I take that out on the kids. On hard days, by four o'clock, I'm not a very good parent.
Sometimes I'll just read Davis the shortest, easiest book for his night-night book, because I just don't have the energy or creativity left to read him the stack that he picks out. And I feel guilty because on nights when Michael comes home in time for the bedtime routine he'll read lots of stories and even make them up and I wish I had that in me. And I start feeling like maybe staying home is selfish and that I'm not doing the best thing for the kids. The guilt is the thing. I always feel guilty that I'm not doing or giving them everything. The intention is there, and the love, but sometimes I just fall short.
I wonder, will the children of people who work full time who spend their days in an enriching and planned classroom environment taught by trained professionals be brighter or have a leg up? When their parents come home do they have the energy to be wonderful and gentle and make up stories? Will their kids remember them as the mommies and daddies who played all the time and read stories and had fun? Will they score higher on their SAT's and succeed in life? Is it selfish of me to keep them home? Are they missing out on something? How much are they benefiting from being home with mommy?
I know how I benefit. I am in charge of my own life and time. I don't miss a single first word or step. I am the first person they look for when they are frightened or hurt or when people just don't understand them. I know them intimately. I know every thing that happened to them each day and how it made them feel. I get to relive a lot of wonderful childhood moments. I watch Sesame Street in the morning. I get to play pretend.
I'm just not always sure that I'm doing the best job I can. And I feel guilty all the time for not giving them everything. And I don't know exactly what this job of parenting is and what the best way to approach it is. And sometimes at the end of the day I'm tired and just want a vacation from them. And then I miss them and just want to crawl in bed with them and hug them and kiss their little baby cheeks and listen to them breathe and tell them how I'm going to so much better of a mommy tomorrow.
I'll tell you what I think. Parenting is a life changing, all encompassing job whether the child is in full time care or not. I think the options of staying at home with your kids or sending them to daycare each have their positive and negative aspects and that we as parents need to pick which type of parenting is best for us. I think if we are happy and fulfilled than the parenting of our children will go better and be more fulfilling to our children. I think maybe if your child is in full time care then some of the work of parenting is shared, but the responsibility of parenting still rests with the actual parents.
Either way, the job is a difficult and rewarding one. And it's something that I am going to continue to struggle with. What are your thoughts on the whole thing?