StemStrong

Last Tuesday there was a school shooting at Davis's school. My school where I taught the last two years. Neither of us was there. Davis had a fever. I had taken him to the doctor the day before and she had said it was up to me if he went back the next day. I told him he had to go back for algebra (his last class of the day) at least since he is struggling in that class. At the last minute, I changed my mind. I let him stay home. Ten minutes after that class started, two of his fellow students started shooting. One of those bullets went through Davis's classroom wall and shot one of his classmates.

I don't know how much to write. We are all afraid of the media. I've been journaling. I will come back later and add my journal tucked into posts in the past. maybe.
But we are okay. When it happened I heard first from a mom who I know through Sam’s school. The text conversation went like this:
Does your son go to Stem on Ridgeline and Plaza?
He does. Why?
There is a shooting there
Oh no!!!!
Can you get a hold of him?
He is home today from school because he is sick. Thank God!!!!
Oh my God!!! Thank God! I am so sorry!!!!
There are conflicting reports but might be three shooters involved and multiple victims
Davis is getting texts from his friends right now
Ugh, this is a nightmare! When will it STOP?????
I don't know. I'm in tears
Heartbreaking

And then the texts started flooding in. Suzy was trying to get her friend's sister who works at the hospital to cross reference names to find out who was safe and who wasn’t. Ben leapt in the car and talked to me as he drove from Aurora to the school. I called Michael in Florida who was getting pounded by Douglas county texts and calls about a lockout and then a lockdown. He was frantic and feeling powerless to be so far away. Davis started getting texts from his friends who were hiding. Are you okay? They asked. I’m home sick, he would say. Are you okay? I’m okay. Slowly we heard from one friend after the other. The few we couldn’t get a hold of, Davis would ask me to call their parents. I did. Have you heard? I would ask, Have you found him?
And then there was the confusion of where to go get them. They were bussed to the northridge rec center and it took hours for parents to get their kids. My phone kept ringing and texting. I put a post out on facebook letting people know that Davis and I were fine, but that I didn’t have any info.
Sam's school texted and parents from the school texted. Another mom from their offered to pick up Sam. The kids guitar teacher texted in concern and while I had him I cancelled their lesson for that evening. I called the dr and said, stupidly, Davis has his well check in an hour, but there has been a shooting at his school and i need to postpone. They did it and I hung up. So weird and surreal.

Davis’s group chat with all his friends continued after his friends got home. His classmate was shot, a friend was shot, several kids heard the shooters talking, several said their door was tried while it was locked and they hunkered down.
We kept trying to find T who was still not located. Finally we saw his picture on the news, standing outside with his hands on his head. We knew he was safe!
Ben waited and waited at the pick up site to get the kids. Chris came over to check on us. Texts still poured in. Sam came home and I told him what was happening. He immediately got on his computer and tried emailing his friends from STEM from the last two years to see if they were okay. He asked me to text the parents. then he made himself hot cocoa. I sugared us all up and then sent sam upstairs to play video games with his brother, while I still manned the phones and followed the news sites and read the parent page on facebook from our school. Parents were frantic and trying to get information and also be together as a community on our page. I surfed and waited to find out if people i cared for were okay.
Eventually we heard from all of our loved ones. The kids showered. I attempted to talk to them about what happened. Sam said he was anxious and Davis said he didn’t know how to process. I tucked them into bed and as I tucked Sam in, he told me tearfully that it wasn’t STEM’s fault. It could have happened anywhere. I told him that was true. I kissed both boys and tucked them in, gratefully.


The next day I was a space cadet. It was snowing outside. We found out more about the shooters. I had kept Sam home to be with us. We decided to leave the house. We went in the morning to the mall with the neighborhood friends. We went to build a bear and they built stuffies and then went down to the lego store. then we went to eat at California Pizza Kitchen. After that we left our friends and went to the crisis center at St. Andrew’s church. They gave the kids each a fuzzy blanket and all the kids were wearing one over their heads and faces. I got a form for counseling services but the kids didn’t want counseling right now. Davis found friends. Sam found fried chicken. I went into the staff room and saw my colleagues. We hugged and cried. I ate a cookie the size of my face.
I went home and tried to do things, but couldn’t. I would start a project and wander away.

I wrote this on facebook "I am still trying to process what happened yesterday. I am heartbroken for the kids, the teachers, for parents, for the victims, for the shooters. It was horrible.
I will say that when shootings happened in schools before, it was sad and awful and all the things, but it was removed. I saw the pictures, but it seemed like someone else story.
When I looked through the pictures from this one, it is my story. That is my school, each picture of people in anguish and fear is full of people I know and love. There is a picture on twitter going around of elementary kids with their hands on their heads. I know those kids. I know that teacher. He was Sam’s teacher and Sam adores him. That lawn with helicopters and stretchers is the lawn where I have picnicked with my students. The kids who were hurt and who witnessed what happened are children I talk to and care for. The teachers who hunkered down in lockdown, who managed the kids, those are my friends. The administrators who have to deal with this are my friends.
I don't know how to move forward. I have lost my trust in the safety of schools. Though as Sam said last night, when I tucked him in, "It's not STEM's fault. It could have happened anywhere". From the mouths of babes, ya'll. It has to stop
I know how lucky I am that we are safe and my children are safe. But not everyone was or is. People that I know and care for are HURTING and I feel powerless to make it better. We have to work together to change this. We have to make it better and safer, for our kids, for our country."

That afternoon, Davis’s friend came over and I took them to Sprouts to get flowers and a pie we drove over to Davis’s friends house for a potluck with some other kids. All the adults stood in the kitchen awkwardly and talked about what happened.
After awkward standing, I gathered some of the kids and we drove to the vigil back at St. Andrews. I sat with Sam and friends while Davis and his friends sat in the front. The vigil was peaceful and heart breaking. While they led the service people still got up and just hugged each other and cried. The music was lovely.
Sam cried through the whole vigil. So did I.
After the vigil I took Sam and Davis back to the house for the potluck where the kids ate chili and lots of dessert and then went downstairs to a giant basement where they jammed to Hamilton sound track and beat each other with pool noodles and laughed. It was so good to hear them laugh. We ladies sat at a table with our bubbly waters and talked a little. Still awkwardly and I was still a space cadet.
After the potluck I took the kids home and dazedly put them to bed. We had forgotten to feed the dogs or even let them out but they hadn’t messed the house so that’s good.


The next day I sent Sam to school. It was hard for both of us. He had me walk him up the steps and into school. He did okay though. Then I hosted Davis's D&D group over at our house for lunch and a game. When the parents came to get the kids we opened wine and sat around the coffee table and talked about it. Michael came home. He had changed his flight to come home a day early. Davis and his friend went down to his room and built his new PC with the parts we had ordered before the tragedy.

On Friday, Sam went to school again. We took emails from STEM school with all kinds of vague and changing information. Michael took a sick day. We took the kids (a friend of D's) to lunch at Torchy's and then to pick up #stemstrong shirts at school Then we went back to the crisis center where Michael got to get some coping info and I got to hug some more colleagues. We took the kids to Snobahn that evening and had happy hour with Paul and Ben. I felt so sad all day. So guilty. I think I was coming out of shock.


Saturday I couldn't figure out what to do. I woke up truly depressed. I couldn't peel myself out of bed. I hadn't slept much at all in a few days. We decided to go on a bike ride. Paul met us and we rode to the park and it smelled like flowers and the sun was shining and it was good. The kids played with neighborhood friends and so did we. The kids chalked on the driveway that we ARE STEMstrong. It was hard to be with people and hard to be alone. It was a hard day. But I played outside with our neighborhood friends and we were together and the sun was shining. Still hard, but there was that.


Sunday was Mother's day. I couldn't be happy because I knew another mother was grieving. The kids tried but you could tell we weren't into it. Sam wrote me a note and he and Davis snuggled with me, Davis still wearing his pink fuzzy blanket they gave him in the crisis center. (He doesn't want to take it off). Then the kids made me waffles and Michael gave me a card and a gift. Then we went to church. Davis went to his last OWL class and Sam participated in flower blessing before going downstairs to play UU bingo. The sermon was about the shooting and I cried all the way through. I LOVED what our minister said though and I'll share it here:
"On this mothers day, on this day where we walk that tightrope between the mourning of our local community and the celebration of our lives may we nurture all of who we are. May we nurture our children. May the love that shines out from our community transform our lives and our world in the image of abiding love."
We stopped at Lark Burger on the way home and then we changed and Michael and Davis and I went on another bike ride. It was fun and a good work out and helped me get out of my head. I also made some food and later that afternoon, we went to Suzy and Jason's house for a bbq potluck with some neighbors. It was nice, but I found myself completely unable to make small talk. I just needed to keep moving and be active so I played a lot of cornhole. That evening Michael and I curled up downstairs on the chaise lounge and watched TV and drank a bottle of lovely red wine. It was still a hard day.


Monday morning Sam was awake when we woke up. Apparently he had not slept all night. We kept him home from school and comforted him. Michael called in sick again and we loaded up kids and airlounges and all the things and went to the park for an informal gathering of STEM families. The weather was lovely. We played cards and flew a kite and Davis drove his traxxas car and then visited with friends. Sam's best friend from last year at STEM was there and they played together and I think it was good for Sam's heart. I felt better. Being outside with my family and our community was everything I needed. Michael took a lyft from the park to go to the airport to fly to Tampa for work. I came home and went on a run and got all the things done that had not been done in a week. I suddenly had energy. That evening Sam spiked a fever and we all went to bed exhausted.

Today was the one week anniversary. We still have had no school since last Tuesday. We found out that Davis will go for about 45 minutes tomorrow to school to be with his class. Then the next two days he will go for two hours. I went to the school today with T to the elementary to get his belongings. It was very tense and many kids and parents were not okay. I think tomorrow will be emotional and weird, but both Davis and I are in a pretty good place. We went on a long bike ride this morning together and it was good. We had ice cream cones with Sam and read and talked. We had a good day. I'm feeling more optimistic about today.

We still don't know what will happen with school and schedules over the next week. I'm still terrified about sending Davis to school again. I still feel so much guilt for moving us here and choosing that school. But I believe we are all STEMstrong. Our school didn't deserve this. STEM is an incredible school full of brilliant, funny, kind kids, great teachers, challenging academics, amazing opportunities. This is where I taught, where my children learned for three years. We have so many good memories there. We are lucky to have been part of that family. Pray for us all.